Instant Queue Diaries- Episode 10: Mystery Science Theater 3000: Zombie Nightmare
After a night out on the city and a wicked bowl of chili from Soup and a Burger in New York’s Greenwich Village, yours truly was having stomach problems that could reduce a smaller man to tears. As Carl from Adult Swim’s “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” would most likely exclaim, I would be farting blood tonight.
So what is one to do when their corn-hole feels like someone is trying to push out a baseball bat-sized piece of brown pumice soap and someone is listening to Enya in their stomach so loudly that the sounds emanating from it are loud enough to scare away the household cat?
After several attempts to fall asleep to no avail and the loss of brain activity prohibiting myself from playing “Tekken 6,” I went to my Instant Queue and settled on the first thing there, “Mystery Science Theater’s Zombie Nightmare.” Unlike the DVD collections, Netflix has done something cool in the fact that each movie is its own entry in the queue, making it much easier to navigate and find what you need.
Anywho, after one of my favorite theme songs to any show ever [The last part is my favorite, “If you're wondering how he eats and breathes, and other science facts (la la la), just repeat to yourself," It's just a show, I should really just relax for Mystery Science Theater 3000!], the show starts and right off the bat, I’m laughing. It is so irresistibly charming. For a while when I was a kid, I wanted a Tom Servo and Crow of my own, as they are the coolest B-Movie watching robots ever.
Once the show starts, the comments about Tia Carrere instantly wake me up and I’m glued to the screen. However, after a few minutes, I realize how horrible this flick is and the only thing keeping me watching are the comments of Mike Nelson [not the annoying councilman from Brooklyn], Crow and Servo. That in itself makes it a great episode of the show.
The wise-ass comments come at such a fast pace that you’ll never stop smiling throughout this complete abortion of a film. The acting is so bad [Except for Adam West, who is just slightly bad. I mean come on, it's Batman. In this film, he's just a chain-smoking police captain] that without the trio, you’d probably want to slam your head up against a wall than watch it.
As the group of teenage baddies gets in their car and the crappy ’80s rock [despite the fact that Motorhead provided music for this abomination, you rarely hear their music] Servo screams, “Let’s go to Perkin’s.” Anyone who’s spent time in Staten Island will fall on their ass in laughter as those used to be exactly the types of kids that you’d see in there at midnight on any given night, waiting for their chance to skip out on the bill. There’s also a moment where our resident zombie nut job breaks a dude’s neck and then proceeds to throw him in a hot tub. One of the robots notices that the victim, supposedly, is treading water face down.
With all the crap on TV today, it’s a shame that something like this isn’t on anymore.
Over time, the movie introduces an occult element that makes it even harder to digest, [worse than the chili] but thankfully, Nelson and company continue their antics and never fail in their infinite attempts at inducing smiles. If you ever have to sit through a movie like this, make sure you bring your friends so you can do something similar [The time I sat through “Street Kings” a few years back and was making comments as loud as I could instantly comes to mind.], otherwise you’ll be in a Hell much worse than any late-night chili can induce.
Patrick Hickey Jr.
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