RawAction Power Rankings: Double Dare and the Khali Strut

Three times yes: Whether you think Daniel Bryan is a conniving jerk or a crafty sneak, you simply cannot deny how awesome his enthusiastic entrance is. We can all agree that if we punched the clock with the same positivity every Monday, our working environments would benefit. Where does he get this energy? Maybe Monday Morning Meditations with AJ? His Veganism? His incredible in-ring work and submission holds?

We can only assume he does this on a everyday basis:

Maybe once you reach a certain height you outgrow this childlike playfulness that Bryan clings too. He doesn’t strut to the ring with confidence or intimidation, he skips with giddiness, as if AJ was his first crush and had just kissed him. Also, the fact that Booker T refers to him as “D-Bry” is just the best.

Recess: Teddy Long is totally that kid who goes ballistic as soon as the bell rings and upon escaping, he shakes it out in a silly dance. Let’s hit the town, Teddy. You’ve got some sweet moves. Maybe you, me and the Funkasaurus can paint the town sometime. It’d be just about the only time where I wasn’t the weirdest dancer. And Funkasaurus could totally be my wingman, scouting out dudes for me and being all “Should I GET him?”

The rest of the Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy felt a lot like childhood as Hornswoggle and Vicky Guerrero played capture the flag. Also, Team Johnny and Team Teddy’s shirts were totally hearkened  back to Double Dare. I think instead of a match, they should have a physical challenge, and an enormous nose filled with slime that just hangs above the ring. Mark Summers for guest referee? I Double Dare him.

The WWE Has No Concept Of Time: WWE Raw consistently goes past its end time, which is okay when the episodes don’t feel painfully long around 45 mins earlier. RAW closed with a Cena-Rock showdown, where they introduced some pretty startling information. Cena said that the match was really, really important to him. I thought he thought it was kind of neat, but turns out it means everything in the world to him. The Rock said that he just HAS to win, which is surprising. I thought he was all “it’s cool, let’s just have some fun!”

Unlike most of the segments over the past few months, this segment was pretty good, avoiding offensive catch phrases and actually talking about the upcoming match. Their real-life hate for each other was palpable and that was awesome. Similar to the past few months, it went on way, way too long, deflating the excitement that they had finally mustered up. In case you missed it or are a masochist and would want to see more for some horrible reason, the WWE finally got hip and pushed some social media (did you hear they’re on Twitter?!), and released exclusive YouTube footage of more s***-talking. Watching it is like volunteering to be in the movie Ground Hog’s day. John Cena should change his name to Ned Ryerson. This video can only be a watered down rehash of what we saw Monday. Or as I like to call it, “the three previous months of programming).

CM Punk Seems Pretty Upset: We knew that they weren’t getting along, but guys, CM Punk seems really upset with Jericho this week. I mean I’m not saying he shouldn’t be mad at him, but he totally misplaced the blame. He should seriously go apologize to Christian. Not cool, man. Then the refs try and tell you to chill out and you tell them “I’m the one who says when he’s had enough.” Respect your elders, man. Maybe you and Chris should just talk it out. I mean there has to be a reason Chris is acting like this. Did you ever think his music is really asking for someone to Break The Emotional Walls Down? I mean he can’t be happy with his life. He’s in FOZZY. I’d hate my life too. Maybe you should ask Evan Bourne to peer mediate. He seems like he wants to be everyone’s friend.

Curt Hawkins is on my TV: And he does NOT buy this Funkasaurus guy. It was fun to see Hawkins in action again. I am baffled by the fact that the WWE had such an insane build up to the debut of Brodus Clay, then they took him away from us to do ring work, but his matches still are like, 57 seconds. Kind of hard to gauge his progress. Also, the majority of people a) like his “run ‘em over” style or b) don’t care because he’s the Funkasaurus. Also, how many phone calls does his actual mom get per Monday night? That joke must have gotten old for her in a hurry.

Where Does Randy Orton Go? There’s a LOT of talk about that moment in the ring when Orton seemingly snaps from wrestler to indestructible. I assume this is when the voices start speaking to him. What are the voices are telling him? To bake cookies? To walk REALLY slowly? Not to ever use inflection in his voice? To avoid pants at all costs? Cole often says that Orton then “goes to that place where only Randy goes.” Where does he go? He doesn’t actually leave the ring. I mean he goes somewhere very low to the ground, and then throws a bad ass temper tantrum, slamming his fists to the mat. I think this move is supposed resemble a viper, but vipers don’t have hands. I wonder if he does the same thing before dinner is ready. Does he act this way whenever he wants to “go to a certain place?” The Bahamas? To check out snake charmers? KMart? I guess he’s going to a certain headspace since he doesn’t actually leave the ring, but in my mind he’s an Apex Predator in everyday life.

Booker T is Hooked Off Phonics: He and The Rock should open a Chinese restaurant and call it “Booker and Rocky’s Kung Pow Shucky Ducky.” They would serve regular Chinese food, but instead of ordering by number and choosing by column, you order by nonsensical catchphrase. Booker’s return to RAW from SmackDown was like he never left in that nobody wanted him there. Some of the more entertaining moments came in the opening match when he exclaimed “Wow” multiple times at Kane’s pyro, and if this was a never technology introduced to the WWE. If you overheard a conversation between he and Laurinitis, you’d probably think that you were at a Smokers Quit club of some sort. When the fans yell “What?,” they actually mean it. At least Laurinaitis uses sentences and real dictionary words. But, he does have a sidekick lawyer to help him seem super smart.

WWE Diva Priorities: The WWE revealed that Madonna’s “Girls Gone Wild” is one of the Wrestlemania theme song. It’s good to know that they locked up a theme song before they threw a storyline for Wrestlemania together last week. It’s a great choice for shattering the stereotype that the Divas are sex objects with powerhouse lyrics like “It’s so erotic” and “Like a girl gone wild; a good girl gone wild.” Never before did I think I’d long for Snookie to be at another Wrestlemania, but I think she has more skills than Kelly Kelly. If you’re doubting that, please look at the pathetic excuse for a roll up that she beat Eve with.

I want Natalya Hart and I want WWE Ice Cream Bars.

Khali is Kane But Even Worse: CM Punk’s infamous August shoot included the line “I am the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary.” It’s fair to say that Khali will not be challenging this. He can’t talk on the mic. He can’t wrestle in the ring. In fact, he can barely walk there. I’m just wondering how he has a job. I know he is older now, and I know that he is often time in the sacrificial lamb role, but it’s just hard to get into it when he sets his super, super big foot in the ring knowing that he has no skills. The outlook is cloudy for team Teddy since a man who can’t wrestle, Crazy Truth, and Booker T are on it. Yikes.

Josh Matthews Wants To Talk About Feelings: Josh Matthews has a lot of feelings underneath that incredibly high collar. He wanted to ask CM Punk about his feelings towards Jericho. In Punk’s defense, he seemed pretty obvious about them. But Josh Matthews was just asking! I think instead of asking questions he should be the WWE Therapist. It might solve some of these conflicts. I mean, lately, a lot of them haven’t even been with current wrestlers. The Rock, Kevin Nash, Maria…they’re not even on the roster anymore. Plus, I think Michael Cole is really jealous that Booker T has a match after Cole won last year. I think they’re underutilizing Josh Matthews. Maybe he’s already coaching Daniel Bryan on the side, which is why he’s so happy.