The Top 10 Metal Albums of 2013 (According to Everyone Else)

Another year of metal has gone by and plenty of great albums have come along with it. What does this mean? A top 10 list from every publication on earth. Since it’s physically impossible for anyone to listen to every album that comes out in a year (making every top 10 list completely null and void), we decided to just go with the flow and devise this list of everyone else’s top 10 metal albums of 2013 (and giving sarcastic reasons as to why they made any list at all).

10. Clutch: Earth Rocker – This is the only album that deserves to be on the list. It also may be the only album on the list we actually listened to. Instead of explaining why it’s so great, we’re just going to tell you it’s one of the best albums ever and that anyone who’s anyone will have this in their collection and that if you don’t you need to buy it (because we say so).

9. Dillinger Escape Plan: One of Us is the Killer – Apparently Dillinger Escape Plan is still cool – and that was just enough for us to put their new album at number 9.

8. Ihsahn: Das Seelenbrechen – We really liked Emperor and this is the closest thing to a new Emperor album. If it was a new Emperor album it would be much higher on this list (probably number 1).

7. Amon Amarth: Deceiver of the Gods – This is probably a decent album anyway but we couldn’t stop listening to the Clutch album. For reasons unknown “Deciever of the Gods” is higher on the list than the album we actually listened to, but we’re sure it’s a good album. It has to be one of their best and not just as good if not little bit worse than their last album (which we’re pretty sure was on THAT year’s top 10 list too), right?

6. Voivod: Target Earth – We heard that Voivod is Canadian and a thrash metal band. With the knowledge that the “thrash metal revival” trend is on its way out, this album makes the list because we’re trying to milk that fad until there’s nothing left. Also because Canadians are incapable of making bad music.

5. Gorguts: Colored Sands – We have never heard of this band. This may or may not have even been released this year. This is the only link we have to the “underground” metal scene. We needed to keep our “street cred” up so Gorguts’ “Colored Sands” slides in at number 5.

4. Motorhead: Aftershock- Motorhead put out another album this year. We didn’t listen to it at all, but we assume it’s good, shooting this album to number 4.

3. Black Sabbath: 13 – This is a new Black Sabbath album. It automatically goes on this list. We were also given a hefty amount of cash by the band’s manager. Despite everything we learned about taking bribes, who needs dignity when you can have lots and lots of money?

2. Carcass: Surgical Steel – This is Carcass’s first album in a very long time. The band has a legacy and they are suddenly super-cool again. Despite being one of the worst edited and mastered albums of all time we blindly ignored all of this and jumped on the bandwagon due to nostalgia, putting Surgical Steel at number 2.

1. Ghost: Infestissumam – Ghost is mainstream. Ghost is popular. That is why this is the best album of 2013.