What if Drew Carey Won the 2001 Royal Rumble?

2013 has come to a close and 2014 has begun. If you’re a wrestling fan that only means one thing: It’s ‘Mania season. With the 2014 Royal Rumble a few weeks away, let’s revisit a classic bout of the WWE’s signature match.

The year was 2001. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin had finally returned after an almost two year hiatus. His mission was simple: outlast 29 other men to earn a WWE Title shot at the “granddaddy of ‘em all”, Wrestlemania.

Aside from seeing an array of weaponry and Kane’s monstrous rampage (where the Big Red Machine eliminated 11 superstars), we were also treated to several surprise entrants; one notoriously in the form of comedian Drew Carey.

Carey was convinced earlier that night by Vince McMahon (and the lovely Trish Stratus) to compete in the Royal Rumble match. At entrant number five, the funnyman made his way to the ring to a chorus of boos, staying out of harm’s way while every superstar ignored his presence. Soon enough, Carey was alone in the ring.

Enter Kane.

Carey had bumped into Kane earlier in the evening and to the shock of no one, Kane was not in a good mood. At this point Kane was arguably in an even worse mood, attempting to chokeslam Carey straight to hell-even after Carey tried to bribe him.

We all know what happened next: Raven entered the Rumble and stopped Kane before he could cripple Carey, who then high-tailed it over the top rope-eliminating himself in the process. Austin would go on to win the match and the WWE Championship from The Rock at Wrestlemania X-Seven.

But what if Carey had won both the Royal Rumble and the Championship at the show of shows? How would he have done it? What would the casualties be? And how would balance be restored after Carey’s reign?

The answers are as follow in a storyline so horrendous only Vince Russo would have ran with it.

Instead of going over the top rope, Carey could have taken a page out of Mr. McMahon’s 1999 Rumble playbook and gone under the top rope, escaping to the outside for the duration of the match. The final competitors would be Kane, Austin and Carey (unbeknownst to the two former). Austin eliminates Kane with a steel chair to the head and Stunner before chucking him over the top rope. Upon celebrating his assumed victory, Carey is forced back into the ring by officials and somehow gets Austin over the rope, giving Carey the fluke win and the title shot at ‘Mania.

Come Monday, The Texas Rattlesnake is going to be pissed. Austin calls out Carey’s dumb luck (literally) and orders his title shot to be put on the line in a match at February’s No Way Out Pay Per View. Carey “aw shucks” his way to a Stunner and the match is set. Naturally, Carey gets the living hell beat out of him with absolutely no offense. Before Austin can finally pin Carey and be done with it, down storms Kane. Apparently, the Devil’s Favorite Demon regrets not chokeslamming Carey at the Rumble and does so in front of the referee, causing Carey to win the match by disqualification-retaining his title shot in the process.

Austin is furious at Kane and the two proceed to have a match at Wrestlemania, which Austin wins following a Stunner or two. Carey on the other hand, must face The Rock for the WWE Championship In the nights main event.
David Arquette eat your heart out.

Just like at No Way Out, Carey gets leveled six ways to Sunday (ironically on a Sunday) by The Great One. Rocky’s dominance and Carey’s horror make the match funnier than Carey vs. Austin. Things are looking up obvious when Vince McMahon appears. Just like the screw-job ending that actually happened at that year’s ‘Mania, we get something even worse. McMahon repeatedly beats The Rock with a chair, drags Carey over Rocky and before you can say “Whose Line is it Anyway?”, Drew Carey becomes the WWE Champion.

How’s that for one-upping WCW?

The next night on Raw, Mr. McMahon and Drew Carey open the show with McMahon telling Carey he had faith in him all along and that he’s going to be a great champion. Carey responds with a “thanks but no thanks,” declares the title vacant, and plugs whatever new show he had coming up at the time before getting right out of dodge. Both The Rock and Austin come out, each declaring that one should be the rightful champion with no interference. The cage match that actually did happen that night is set, Austin does his 2001 heel turn, aligns himself with Triple H, and all of the remaining storylines of 2001 happen accordingly; thus returning the timeline to normal.

But what are the costs of this parallel WWE Universe?

Kane for one does not win the Hardcore Championship at Wrestlemania against The Big Show and Raven. This is not that big of a deal since the Hardcore Championship was pretty much used for comedic purposes and hardly needed a storyline to fuel a title defense. Oddly enough, Kane benefits from this twist by having a higher profile match at Wrestlemania.

“Stone Cold” Steve Austin on the other hand is robbed of his epic encounter with Triple H in a “Three Stages of Hell” match at No Way Out as well as his unexpected heel turn upon defeating The Rock for the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania.

Thankfully, this is just a simple “what if?” and none of it actually happened. Had someone else been at the creative helm of WWE, we could very well have seen these events (or something substantially worse) transpire. The necessary ingredients were there, but we’re glad that the cooks in the kitchen knew better.