WWE Raw Action Power Rankings

1. Twitter: The WWE’s obsession with Twitter has been giving strong performances week after week. I don’t know if I’ve become accustomed to their incessant mention of what’s trending, or if they’ve realized that nobody cares, but recently it seemed like the WWE might be pulling back on their Twitter push as if it were new talent. Just when I thought this annoying habit was kicked, The Rock managed to mention it three times in his 17 minute ramble about nothing. As he once again graced us with his almighty presence via not-satellite, he reminded us that he has the power to dictate what’s trending, no longer as The People’s Champ, but The People’s Social Media Consultant Who Shows Up Every Six Months Or Whatever. Talk about rebranding. Fear not, WWE universe. Twitter isn’t fading. It’s soaring to new levels of obnoxious, rivaling greats like “Michael Cole’s Inexplicable Infatuation with The Miz” and “The RAW Anonymous General Mac-ager Who Never Was Revealed.” Need programming help? There’s an app for that. #LetItGo #TheWordTrendingIsNowTrending

2. Kane Not Speaking: The return of masked Kane was set to be enthralling. His old identity was a more impactful character than Kane in recent years, and I am a sucker for killer video packages and sweet pyro. It was going to be tough to keep the audience engaged, however, because he was feuding with John Cena, and we’ve all known Cena’s Wrestlemania opponent for this year since last year’s Wrestlemania (because that’s supposed to be exciting). It’s even harder to keep our interest when Kane’s mic segments sound like he’s a boy scout trying to play Chubby Bunny with his friends around a camp fire. At least nobody would drag Zack Ryder into that. And boy scouts would probably be handy enough that Ryder wouldn’t have to change a tire either. Though I don’t know why Kane slammed the scraps of a pretty good tag team match tonight, I’m happy he opted to go that route rather than speak. Hate embraced. Let that story line be as dead as John Laurinitis’ vocal chords.

3. The Wrestlemania Sign: Guys, Wrestlemania is coming up. If you forget that, there is a giant sign to remind you. If you can’t find the giant sign, a wrestler will point it out at least 42 times an episode. Tonight CM Punk reminded us that he’s brilliant, which happens at least once every Monday and several times a week on Twitter through punk rock lyrics or a comic book reference I undoubtedly have to google. This evening, Punk called Jericho’s attention to his belt instead of the Wrestlemania sign. Script wise, this was done to remind Jericho that Punk is champion, and also The Best In The World. WWE wise, Punk was saying that Cena/Rock may be the main event, but he doesn’t need “main event status” to be the most memorable part of Wrestlemania. Need proof? Watch Survivor Series again. His match against Del Rio was the only time MSG wasn’t shouting their lungs out for Zack Ryder.

4. Jericho’s Light Up Jacket: Two of the best mic guys on today’s roster, and probably ever, were in the ring tonight setting up what is sure to be a helluva match at ‘Mania, and I seriously was still marveling at Jericho’s jacket. I love it. No wonder he didn’t speak or wrestle when he returned. He was probably hunting around the arena trying to find his reflection so he could look at his awesome jacket. Can you blame him? It’s way more exciting than Dancing With The Stars, and probably most Fozzy Shows. And Punk’s Lite Bright references only make it more awesome. Hey WWE shop, where’s my LIGHT UP JACKET? I don’t know if Jericho is the best in the world at EVERYTHING he does, but he’s pretty great at jackets.

5. Synergy: The WWE universe breathed a collective sigh of relief when John Cena shed his Jorts for his Camo shortpants (or anything but Jorts). Camo is a great choice for someone whose signature move is “You Can’t See Me.”. The WWE realized that Cena is huge, and we can, in fact, see him. He’s really big. And RIGHT there. And often wears loud, brightly colored shirts. Once the WWE has a camouflage ring, he’ll finally be hidden. Or a floating torso. Rise Above The Ring (Visually).

6. David Otunga’s Travel Mug: How many ounces does it hold? Is it machine washable? Does it have a rubber grip or handle so I don’t burn my fingers? Who the hell cares! It’s awesome. He drinks managerial mischief and law knowledge out of it every week and it’s the best. I don’t even drink coffee and I want 17 of them. And a free bow tie with every purchase.

7. Rosa Mendes Teaches Spanish: Saying Rosa Mendes even looked at the back of a Rosetta Stone CD box is generous. We get it. Nobody cares about the current tag team champions, so you send a super hot chick to the ring with them. But I’ve learned more Spanish from AT&T’s tech support menu. “Bailar!” “Fiesta!” “El Bano!” “Me Gusta los gatos!” “El nino!” No, señorita. Also, what is with the tag team belts? They look like they’re made of pennies by a first grade class that just listened to a Be A Star lecture.

8. Dwayne Johnson’s Captain Logo: The Rock had his Boots to Asses shirt on, which looked brand new since he only steps into the ring semi-annually. But, when you’re sleeveless shirt is being embroidered with a “C” logo, it’s understandable. The Rock wanted to show the the WWE Universe, and John Cena, that he is the leader of Team Bring It. He is the fearless captain of the team that he made up. So, Cena, you may have won the championship ten times, but when you try out for the Team Bring It varsity football team, don’t you forget that The Rock is the hotshot quarterback. Just check his rockin’ letter jacket.

9. Divas’ Outfits: If Beth Phoenix, Tamina, Kharma, or Natalya aren’t in the ring, the match doesn’t need to last more than six minutes. I am NOT anti-diva, but the lack of stamina and character development sucks. That’s why I appreciate the divas outfits, even as a straight female. Kelly Kelly gave a lovely tribute to the Oscars in her gold, shimmery whatever-the-he’ll-bikini-thing, while the Bella Twins continue to make me wonder if they’re sponsored by Hefty garbage bags. The most exciting part of these divas matches, for men AND women, is that a nip slip is just one botched move away.

10. John Cena Mic Drops: Even if Cena continually Rises Above Excitement by not embracing a heel turn, he is shedding his WWE Jesus image a bit, which seem to be his more shining moments. I love when he drops the mic. Screw The Rock and screw mics. Cena is a workhorse, like him or not. He hasn’t taken a day off in 57 years. He earned the right to toss the mic. He may not be Chris Rock at the Apollo, but if the writing isn’t going to say anything, he might as well do it with a mic drop. If Punk gets to have a Pipebomb, Cena can give it a flip.

1 Comment

  1. Otunga keeps his travel mug close, at all times, because he won it from a claw machine at Chuck E. Cheese. It’s the only thing he ever won, and he puts it on equal footing with his wife’s Oscar. (Okay, he won the Tag Titles, but let’s be honest. A travel mug from a claw machine is more significant. Though, I maintain that I like the design of the belts.)

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