WWE RAW Power Rankings: The Rock and Cena Cookin’

1-The Rock is Obsessed with John Cena’s Period: “Kung Pow Cena virgin gay period ladypebbles fruityparts.” -The Rock, in all his promos.

Since Raw was in Cleveland, which is The Miz’s hometown, you just have to say “Really?…Really?” What’s worse, that this writing is so offensive or so tired. There aren’t even women who talk about a menstrual cycle as much as The Rock talks about John Cena’s. Not even gynocologists. Why is John Cena being viewed as inferior should he have female genetalia? Half of the divas division is already doing that. Harsh language is a double-edged sword of offensive and shock value- the shock value side has worn dull. Quite frankily, it wasn’t exactly a razor to begin with. But it’s all Rocky knows. Does anyone remember a promo where he’s legitimately talked about the match? It’s like he’s allergic to it.

The Rock is falling into the nostalgia trap of “they’re going to cheer me anyway.” Maybe that’s why his movie career is comprised of kid flicks and mediocre action films. If you refuse to grow and take a risk as a wrestler–or any storyteller–get out of the game.

True talent doesn’t need offensive cop outs. Be a star, Dwayne.

2- The Rock Doesn’t Know What The Rock Music is: The Rock was supposed close Raw with a rockin’ response to John Cena’s rap opener. The WWE kept hyping that this was the first time they had ever done a rap-to-rock concert show, as if it was a good idea. It makes sense that they had never done this before because the WWE is supposed to have something to do with wrestling and entertainment. The Rock lived up to it’s rookie status, putting on a show that was not entertaining and had nothing to do with wrestling.

First, he sat down. On a stool. No, this stool was not behind a drum kit. Secondly, he played like two chords. Poorly. Thirdly, he played an acoustic guitar, which he probably stole from the “Music Room” set of some God awful children’s movie he was in. Instead of spewing the same garbage you have for weeks through your cheese grin and touch of gray Just For Men beard, maybe you should go consult the WWE Champion about your mic skills and what rock music sounds like.(Hint: blazing guitar solo in Cult of Personality). He sounded like a politically correct Uncle Kracker. Atleast now we know who is probably behind all of those Nickelback theme songs. Finnnnaaallllyyyy, The Rock has returned to…lameness? You can’t break this many rules of rock ‘n’ roll, and still be considered cool.

3- John Cena is Pretty Fly (For a White Guy): John Cena gave more than adorable eight-year-old boys and chicks who are “like, really into arms” what they wanted this week, which was a crash course in thuganomics. As the WWE amps up the feud they established a year ago, you have to wonder if Cena’s shoulders are starting to hurt not from countless Attitude Adjustments, but from carrying the feud. I don’t hate Cena, and I certainly don’t love Cena, I just hate the writing surrounding him that makes him so championship prone. We were all ready for him to return to his roots after he spent the past few months flirting with a heel turn, but building up an immunity to hate. Rumor has it that he’s embraced a real life hatred for The Rock, which may be fueling this feud even more than the stakes of the match. Awesome. The best moments in the WWE are the real ones, and the best moments for John Cena are when he’s not trapped by his WWE Jesus image. Recently, he’s really been delivering, and I’m starting to buy into this being a viable main event. Punk vs. Jericho will still be better.

4- Walking: With Randy Orton’s return and The Undertaker turning up the heat Shawn Michaels, the Road to Wrestlemania sees a slowwalk-off for ring entrances. With Orton still woozy from concussions and The Undertaker being 6,372 years old, it’s anybody’s game. My pick is The Undertaker. He seems to have more energy now that he stole that hoodie thing from Eminem. It’s really important to have a hood even when you have no sleeves or shirt so that you don’t get cold. Must have been inspired by Cena’s white rap performance. “This opportunity comes once in a lifetime…” or two if your ego is as big as HHH’s. Walking also allowed Aksana to be included in this week’s episode without stirring up my totally justified hatred for her as she imitated Santino’s walk to the ring this week. She didn’t imitate his air trumpet though–there’s a line, Aksana. Don’t cross it, or land a wretchedly botched elbow drop on it. (Also, he didn’t win, so there was no chance).

5- Dolph Ziggler is awesome: The man could sell a used car to a car dealership for double the cost of a new car. One of the better moves Raw has made in recent history was giving Dolph Ziggler a real chance. With a couple character tweaks and a little bit more seasoning to close out 2011, Ziggler has delivered constantly on the mic and in the ring for months, giving PPV quality efforts every Monday. His show off character is a continued guilty pleasure, not even held back by his screaming pink trunks or ramen noodle-esque hair. Also, him doing sit-ups is infinitely more awesome than Swagger doing push ups, but it is. Props to Ziggler for crushing it, and to the WWE for pushing the right guy and not letting it die off.

6- Sh** Gets Real between Punk and Jericho: Old Jericho used to dive into the real personal lives of wrestlers, letting each blow hit below the belt and giving an authenticity to his insults, that makes you genuinely cringe. This week, Jericho hit below the championship belt, saying Punk will inevitably drink because of his father’s alcoholism. Punk opened the door to his real life in the past, so it’s not surprising that Jericho has weaseled into it and broke it wide open with insult. There was something about this that didn’t sit right with me. Punk had to approve all of this, but bringing his dad’s real life addiction into the picture is introducing not just Punk’s personal life, but his dad’s. Addiction is a tricky booger for many.

However, it did accomplish a lot feud-wise. Even though it was clear Punk was “face” and Jericho was “heel,” if you believe in this formula, this week drew a stronger line. It’s challenging to view Punk as a “good guy” because he’s still such a badass, which is something he can’t and shouldn’t shed after the past 7 months that he’s had. It becomes more difficult when he’s facing a WWE legend who’s return was so highly anticipated, and even as a “bad guy,” it was really hard not to cheer for. Such a personal stab at Punk drove a wedge between these roles, defining them more clearly, and making it more believable for the audience. Just hard to believe Punk will ever break his edge after the way he tore Chris Brown to shreds. Also, I think we are all like, “Yeah, Jericho, but you were in FOZZY.”

7- Mixed Reviews on Civil Rights: After my rant last week about civil rights, which clearly WWE creative had read, it was interesting to note that at one point in the evening, David Otunga, Mark Henry, Kofi Kingston and R. Truth were all in the ring at the same time. It was refreshing to see that all four of these wrestlers are both not white and not bound by any stereotypes in their character or storyline. It didn’t make any sense that R. truth came out and it barely made sense that Kofi did, but it was still refreshing. Especially when they cram Spanish words down Rosa Mendes’s throat. I still think Sheamus’ blinding whiteness outweighs any other heritage/culture in the WWE combined, though.

8-The Cobra: Yes, it’s an extremely similar gimmick as Mick Foley’s Mr. Sock-o. Yes it makes little to know sense that while most finishing moves are modified STFs and body slams that the cobra could legitimately take someone down. But guys, it’s the “Cobra.” I love it. This week, Mark Henry removed the cobra of Santino’s hand as he laid defeated in the ring. Turns out, the naked cobra is just a “hand”. Every snake has to shed their skin sometime. Henry was just jealous and wanted the cobra for his hall of pain. You can’t even blame him. I would too. I want a cobra. Not an actual cobra, and not the move to be done to me. I think we’d live in a better world if we all had a little cobra.

9- Feelings: When there is a height disparity between wrestlers who lock eyes in a good ol’ fashion WWE stare down, there are various moments where it looks like one of them could go in for a kiss. These moments always seem so sincere with Shawn Michaels. He isn’t short, but there are a lot of guys that are taller than him. You know those couples that hate each other, but you know have a rocking’ sex life from all the tension? That’s what Michaels and Undertaker looked like on Monday. While the OfficialTaker officially said that he would officially end an official era and officially end Shawn Official Michaels with the official expressed written consent of Major League Baseball, there were a lot of feelings on both of their ends. Undertaker even said that he wants to win, but regardless of the outcome, it needs to be “pure.” If there’s anything guest referees are, it’s pure. That’s why they have guest referees, to be fair. Regular referees who do this for a living just can’t be trusted. This is common in professional sports, as you often see guest umpires and referees. Regardless of whether this match will be the most exciting at Wrestlemania, it will certainly be the most stipulated. Guest in a Hell in a Cell Referee.

10- Divas Outfits: After failing to be listed in last week’s power rankings, divas outfits are making a return this week. What the hell was Beth Phoenix wearing? It looked like a field of golden rod threw up on an ’80s prom. I still had more respect for her in this hideous dress than I did for Eve, who keeps playing games with Zack Ryder’s heart a-la the Backstreet Boys. Also, in an extra segment with Maria Meonous, Alicia Fox said her biggest Wrestlemania concern is what to wear? In case anyone was wondering why people hate the divas division, we found out why. Beth, Natalya, Tamina, Kharma. I just hope Beth stops shopping with Vicky Guerrero.

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